Anal astronaut?
Wow word travels fast.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
No. I think its because I really and truly know that he is a moron and his future prospects are zoo animals.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
Randomize
