You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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