ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
whats the weirdest thing you ever masturbated to?
King Triton
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
Randomize
