so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
Don't feel obligated to get back to me but I think I just fell in love with a middle aged waitress at the Dennys in waco. She's used but in good condition.
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
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