hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
Randomize
