Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
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