I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
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