I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
I am debating about my sub. I am not quite sure I can be the dom he needs.
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
Randomize
