You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
I mean I'm into guys with money but more into guys I'm actually attracted to
yeah i guess i'd rather he was hot than rich
wow i don't know if that qualifies as growing up but if it does i'm all in
he was high. i was rolling face. we were both wearing grateful dead t shirts. at that point it's like we had no choice but to fuck
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
Randomize
