My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
Randomize
