Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
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