My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
He's in the same dorm as me. We are sharing a laundry room, gym, and cafeteria. I'VE ALREADY COMMITTED DORMCEST AND MOVE-IN DAY ISN'T UNTILL NEXT WEEK!!!!
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
Randomize
