why do they call them blowjobs? ....unless i'm doing it wrong?
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
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