I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
Thank you for not boning my boss.
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
Randomize
