I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Randomize
