Pregnant stripper...not hot.
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
Randomize
