he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
