Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
God gave him joint rollers for hands
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
Randomize
