Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
I dunno. It's not as good as 'devourer of cocks' but I suppose few things are.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
help. there is a guy in a bunny costume.
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