Ikea night.
?
Insert tab A into swedish slot B
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
Randomize
