I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
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