Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
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