If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
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