So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
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