Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
Randomize
