I wannas sexs uuuuu
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
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