Don't make out with my wife yet
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
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