i wish starbucks made bloody marys
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
Landen experienced Greenville for the first time last night. He was awaken by 2 cops and 4 EMS guys this morning in the bed of that truck that is for sale at the swashbuckler carwash, said he was trying to walk to waffle house... Greenville- 1, Landen- 0
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
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