There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
The adults are the big ones right?
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
Randomize
