i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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