I've decided to only have meaningless sex from now on.
And what brought this epiphany?
I've decided it's a lot easier to have dirty amazing sex with someone when you don't care about the other person or what they think of you. I'm going to test this theory soon. Will update you later
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
I'm filtering his penis picture so I can see it better
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
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