FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
I feel like there's def a learning curve to the sex swing
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
Randomize
