i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
Randomize
