One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
please remind me not to sleep with group members until after finals week.
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
You should really look at your snapstory. It has us screaming " MANSION DICK! SUCK IT! FUCK IT!" By the way im currently in a mansion and need you to pick me up
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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