you told everyone your name was brenda and you had the whole party chanting b-dawgg by the end of the night. successful.
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
I haven't even sucked a boob is 6 weeks I hate not college
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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