I'm laying in your front yard are you home
its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
Mixed review. I fucked her in the river, but then we were assaulted by ducks.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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