I was born with a shot glass in my hand
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
Randomize
