I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
do guys with small dicks even attempt to pursue romantic relationships?
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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