The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Welp...herpes.
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
Randomize
