Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
We broke my graduation cords last night when we used them to tie each other up during sex last night
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
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