hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
Randomize
