So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
Randomize
