just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
and pubic hair rears its ugly head again
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Randomize
