Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
Randomize
