I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
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