I think i peed on brittanys purse
words of advice: black light parties reveal cum stained clothing.
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
Randomize
