Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
25 People Share How They Got Out Of Their Longest Dry Spell
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
21 People Confess Their Craziest Online Dating Experience
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat