Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
even my farts smell like vagina
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
Randomize
