Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
With the way things had been going, I was never more excited for a person to cum
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
These 33 Eskimo Brothers Boinked The Same Person And Couldn’t Be More Proud
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
17 Inappropriate Things People Did With Instruments
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.