Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
This Girl Got Ghosted By Her BF Of 5 Years While On A Trip They Took For Her Birthday
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
People Are Applauding Chrissy Teigen For Getting Candid About Breast-Pumping
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
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