his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
So today I found out that our school is known as the herpes school
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
