I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
Saved By The Bell: The College Years had it waaaay wrong on that one.
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
Randomize
