Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
if she leaves who will i have to secretly talk about behind thier back
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
