Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
I almost forgot to feel shameful, if that answers your question.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
Randomize
