:)
Wipe that smile off your face.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
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