time to smoke my breakfast
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
