I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
We were so bored at work tonight that we were in dry storage taking turns pouring the boxed wine we use for cooking into each others' mouths. I think I'm starting to understand the "problem" aspect of "drinking problem."
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
Do u believe in the possibility of big foot?
You high??
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
Randomize
