sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
party gras won. party gras always wins.
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We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
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The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
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