So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
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