I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
He kissed a someone with a penis
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
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