I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
