How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
kerrys trying to convince everyone in the bar shes a lesbian. cheers to not being the drunkest girl in the room. i probably wont piss myself tonight.
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
Randomize
