She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
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