Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
Five girls, one freshman pledge. We're like our own Make A Wish Foundation.
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
How did I end up in the pool?!
Welcome to ASU
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
Randomize
